We've learned a thing or two in our adventures in long-distance dating for the past 1.5 years (and more now that she'll be in Ghana), and since a friend asked for some advice, I wanted share some thoughts on how we do it.

1. Trust is the input that keeps your long-distance relationship alive - Some background: we have been dating for several years before we went long distance. We went to college together and dealt with long distance before, when she studied abroad. We were lucky to have a strong relationship to build off of. As with most relationships, the more developed the relationship, the more comfort and trust you have in each other. But with long-distance, one of the most difficult things is knowing that someone is likely to go out on Saturday nights without you, and without a healthy quantity of trust, your relationship will turn into assumptions and accusations. Admittedly, trust is central to any relationship, but it becomes more important when you see each other infrequently and socialize apart.

   

2. Long distance relationships are more of an investment than a consumption activity- No one wants to be in a long distance relationship forever. Seeing someone on brief occasions just isn't as good as seeing someone regularly. You get into a long-distance relationship because there is a future where the benefits at the end outweigh present costs. No matter what it is (career, school, war, etc.), the love-letters written during this time period have a prospective tone. Look at your long distance relationship as an investment, with the understanding that you will have to sacrifice some of the short-term "consumption" benefits you would get from a regular relationship.

3. There is hope though! Create the right mix between frequency and value - Every relationship has some mix between frequency and value in every interaction. For example, a high-frequency, low-value interaction may be the hello you give everyday to the security guard. Because the interaction happens frequently, you have been able to build good will, perhaps enough to one day have the security guard let you in the office after hours. An example of a low-frequency, high-value interaction is probably a vacation. By its nature, it happens infrequently, but the value derived from it is high. 
   
4. Technology enables for frequency and value - Back before the telephone, long distance relationships relied on love letters (courtesy of the Pony Express), while almost all activities of high frequency were virtually impossible. Luckily for the long-distance couple, the commonly prudish sentiments at the time meant infrequent interaction between both sexes before marriage anyway. 
   In a long distance relationship, value of each interaction becomes more important, since interactions are less frequent. For example, if you only interact a couple times a week, a bad phone call can make you feel bad about the relationship for several days.  Technology can help with this problem both by allowing more high frequency interactions (for example, a quick text message can be the equivalent of the daily hello to the security guard), and by improving the quality of each interaction. Nothing (so far) is going to compare to the presence of a real person, but here are some technical solutions that may help in keeping those problems at bay:
   • Facebook, Twitter, Texting, and a whole host of micro-communication services - These services help us see high-frequency, low-value events in your partner's life. Twitter, Facebook, and social games allow all of us to more easily keep in touch with each other, which helps us feel a sense of presence.
   • Mobile Phones (unlimited text and calling) - Besides enabling your mother to continue to nag you, a mobile phone also increases frequency of communication. I've found that simply calling/texting someone while you're walking or waiting is a great way to keep in touch.
   • Skype or Video Chat is a great way to schedule real interaction - My girlfriend and I will have scheduled dinner and movie nights. We'll each cook separate dinners and then talk with each other face to face while eating. Then, we'll turn to Hulu or a movie that I might send her and we'll both time the entertainment at the same time so we laugh at the same parts of Modern Family or say "wow" at the same moments on Planet Earth. We both talk to each other while watching the entertainment, which helps us create stimulating conversation and ultimately better quality time.
   • Inexpensive air travel allows great low-frequency, high value events.
   • Share meaningful content and interests with each other - Create ways to enrich your relationship through shared interests and goals. You can send real stuff (like books, gifts, etc.), but you can also send each other content such as articles, music, etc. that you both enjoy. Use those interests to plan interesting conversations to improve your interactions. PREVENT THIS:



5. Technology isn't enough though, the key is balancing the benefits of absence against the detriments of forgetfulness:
   • You should have lives outside of your relationship- Relationships are generally hard when one person has a different work-life balance than the other.  If one person is constantly sitting at home waiting to video chat, while the other person is working or out spending time with friends, it can become difficult for both parties. This phenomenon is no different from a regular relationship: it's important to agree on how much time is necessary for the relationship. If you lack a base, you might find that an hour plus every night on the phone is necessary, but like startups and rockets, they require a lot of energy in the beginning to reach cruising velocity. I don't envy anyone doing both at the same time.
   • The benefit is that absence makes the heart grow fonder. You learn to appreciate your partner and you learn to interact for most value for you and your relationship. 
   • Once you become comfortable though, don't forget what you like about your partner. The key is to fit the relationship with your life and work, while minimizing forgetfulness. For some people that's making sure to see the other person every two weeks, while for others it is seeing the other person every three months. Your long distance relationship becomes more similar to mobile family relationships, where you can be comfortable not being with the other person, but can reassert that person's importance to you. Beware the relationship when it starts moving from being valuable to becoming a burden or obligation.